alifelessnormal

today afternoon, at 4:46pm, my miracle child will officially be nine years old.  i sit here and i struggle what to say and it baffles me because i’ve never been at a loss for words for this amazing little man.  every year i write him a letter via my blog and it’s never really been a problem.  this morning, though, is a whole other story.

those years leading up to finally getting pregnant and staying pregnant and the anger and hormonal roller coaster i was compliments of my fertility drugs was insanity.  what a damn nutjob i must have been to deal with.  years of miscarriages, false alarms, fertility drugs, false alarms … i think makes me appreciate the miracle of having a child that you desperately want versus those who get pregnant and don’t really give a shit.

i could lie and make a great story about how absolutely amazing dax’s birthday was but i won’t.  i’ll tell you, dear interested reader person, it was easily the best day of my life (obviously!) but it ranks pretty high up there on my “worst days” list as well.  the sequence of events leading to his birth were unpleasant, scary and life threatening.  for me.  so, no, unfortunately i don’t recall much from that day and it saddens me.  i feel like i missed out on one of the fundamental points of having a child.  that glorious moment immediately after birth.

i’ll take what i can get, though, and not bitch too much because i love my little man with my entire being.

i’ve told you plenty of times before about the NICU days and how awful that was and everything else so i’ll spare us all a re-tell of that same story.

nine.  the last year in single digits.  it doesn’t seem possible.  so with that, i’ll do what i do.  be well, dear interested reader person.

***

dear dax,

nine years ago, today, you finally made it into my life.  and for nine years i’ve been fortunate to receive so many gifts because of and from you.  my life is rich with love and warmth and laughter.  you are still the single most amazing accomplishment i’ve managed in my life.  if i do nothing else before i pass, i know i did something amazing for this world and that was you.

you are so handsome and funny.  you have the best disposition of any kid i know.  i am proud that you are so chivalrous and polite and warm hearted to anyone.  i am proud because i know, even now at just nine, that you are going to grow up to be a man that will touch the world.  i love your sense of humor and the way you quick wiggle your eyebrows at me.  i love that you still call me mommy and will kiss me and cuddle with me because i know that it’s a cherished moment and will likely be gone soon as you get older.

i love to watch you.  i know every line, freckle, crinkle and bump on your face.  when i close my eyes, you’re always right there.  right there and right here, always with me reminding me that my life has meant something.  and with you, it’s meant something amazing.

happy birthday my sweet sweet bird.  i love you.  “no, i love you more” … IMPOSSIBLE!

today, i understand what this means.

When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be doctor.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960.

fuck you, guidant.  this makes me pleased although i know it won’t mean anything at the end of the day.

but it’s nice all the same.

http://smart-products.tmcnet.com/news/2010/02/26/4644469.htm

good saturday morning to you, dear interested reader person.

i traveled to austin this weekend to visit with friends and watch a recording session for their new album.  i’m in a good place at the moment even though i sit here and watch the baby play on the floor and 2 friends sleep on the couch just across from me.

i’m finding my insomnia increasing so i can only suspect that i’m on the up cycle of this round of it.  the up cycle of my insomnia is a dangerous place for my brain to be.  it’s that time when everyone is asleep and you try, with everything you have, to be as quiet as you can … quiet for them generally means noise in my brain.  lots of noise.

i am not sure i can articulate what i want to say this morning but suffice it to say that the noise last night spanned the range.   i’m so happy to have the friends i have in my life.  the friends who welcome, love, encourage and comfort without needing to be told or asked for anything.  this weekend was needed more than i knew.

but the quiet of the house in the middle of the night really fucks with my brain.

i feel tortured and broken.  in that order.

hi there.  how are you?

i love my new design.

so you wonder why a tree, dear interested reader person?  i would agree that  it’s a far stretch from any other design.

the beautiful thing, to me, about a tree is simple.  a tree can grow and thrive in the worst or best conditions.  devastation even.

this is where i’m at in my life.  i want to be that tree that can grow thru devastation.  and soon, my hope would be, to grow thru the best conditions.

that’s all i have for now.  be well, dear interested reader person.

many moons ago a “dear interested reader person” wrote me a poem in response to a post.  i ran across it tonight and it touches my soul.  i honestly had forgotten about it.

Not
Just
another girl..

all baubles and trinkets;
a hoax who blows
everything,
especially her own horn.

But something
finer,
more genuine.
More
wonderfully, beautifully
alive…

A mind
and a heart.
Not
just.
But, Infinite..
and real.