alifelessnormal

i received my third, and likely, final disbursement from my settlement today.  it was a surprise actually.  i never honestly thought i’d see that money.  they kept the court mandated 5% but gave me the rest.  i have mixed feelings and it seems so absurd that i do.

this stupid fucking lawsuit has consumed me for almost five years.  five years of every single day thinking about it.  at the beginning it was an obsessive thought about the defective device implanted in my chest, then after the replacement a bit back it was about the actual suit and watching and following every single step on the mdl.  now? even so much as today i was on the boards reading up, on the mdl looking for new orders.  obsessing.

it’s like a huge part of my life was just ripped away and i’m not sure how to react.  don’t get me wrong, dear interested reader person, i’m glad it’s over and if i never get that last 5%, i’m okay with that.  i don’t need that 5%.  but the question persists.  now what?

ironically enough i met some pretty amazing people because of guidant and their shenanigans.  people i’ll never meet in person or hear their voice.  people i speak to almost daily and have developed a special type of kindred friendship that will last my lifetime over a bond no one could possibly understand.  i can look at guidant and say “fuck you!” and “thank you.” all at the same time and mean it with the fullest sincerity i’m capable of mustering.

i’ll never understand how a company made up of regular people who have mothers, daughters, sisters, brothers, fathers and sons can be so corrupt, so selfish and have such a massive and willful disregard for life.  that’ll be a question i carry to my grave, unanswered.

so with this - i bid you good health, happy hearts and peace with your life, my dear guidant brothers and sisters.

from my heart to yours,
–justsomegirl

it’s been a very long time, dear interested reader person.  a long time indeed.  i suspect you aren’t even there anymore and i don’t blame you for breaking up with me.  i would have left you a long time ago too.  no hard feelings?

my life has been thoroughly fucked since we last talked.  thoroughly.

make no bones about it, i’m making it through but honestly?  i’m not sure how i’ve managed to maintain my sanity.  perhaps i’m delusional and i haven’t really maintained it?  who knows.  do you have a drink?  need a snack?  go grab a smoke and come back and i’ll share what’s been up.

a few days after i received my first disbursement from my guidant settlement, and after i bought a new vehicle with part of my settlement, i was caught up in the economic slam of oil and gas and consultancy and was “reduced in force”.  last week i celebrated my 1 year anniversary from being gone from the firm.  i was livid and hurt and crushed.  we, all 18 of us, were herded into a conference room and let go all together in one big swoop.  no professional courtesy given or a thanks for all the years of service and sacrifice.  just “this is it” and that’s that.  i panicked.  this firm moved me to houston just two years prior and we have to sign a pretty tight contract which would normally preclude me from working at pretty much any of the bigger places in houston.

uncle sam paid me one check after 6 weeks of unemployment and my big whopping oh so generous two weeks severance (thanks assholes) and then i landed a project.  this was only because i maintained a relationship with a former boss and my work ethic shines.  i’m still at that employer enjoying a much less politically charged environment.  at the end of the day, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, i just didn’t realize it at the time … or 4 months after.  i have a tendency to hold a pretty big grudge.

fast forward a few months to early summer and i’m essentially asked for a divorce, via email.  13 years of marriage ignited to blow up via email.   i’ll have more on that later but we’ll just say that with my wedding anniversary approaching in a week, i now live on my own for about 2 weeks sharing custody with my amazing little man and working hard at keeping a friendship with my soon-to-be-ex husband.

let’s go back to june when i was informed my marriage was over.

just a matter of weeks after that little announcement i learned i had osteoporosis and cancer.  ta-da, trifecta complete.  i was 34 at the time and i’m on the verge of being single, have osteoporosis and a cancer diagnosis.  i was on the verge of putting a bullet in my head.  and believe me, i thought about it.  often.  i imagined where i’d do it.  how i’d do it.  what all i needed to do before to lessen the stress on everyone for “after”.  it was a very rough time in my life and had it not been for this amazing little man in my life - i can make no promises what might have happened.

so, now, i start over.  in the true sense of it.  and over these next several posts i’ll revisit some thoughts and share some new thoughts that i’ve written just not posted over the last 7 or 8 months.  i make no apologies.

my life less normal - single.  how the fuck did this happen?

i have so much to say but it’s been so long since i’ve been here.  i need to do some clean-up.

Hi.

I’m a bad blogger.  I know.  Life.  So much has happened since I last updated that I’m not even sure where to begin.

So, for now … suffice it to say that I am alive and well.  The family is well.

More later, I promise.